Coming home

Dear Michael,

When I brought you home from the hospital, I kept you in a laundry basket beside my bed but mostly you slept with me. These days they say that is dangerous but I didn't want you very far from me. When I think back to those early days, I smile.

However, I know it wasn't easy. You didn't sleep much and I was exhausted. But boy was I in heaven. I loved dressing you up and taking your picture. They don't make cute boy clothes like they do for girls but I was determined. You wore a lot of hats. Your grandmother begged for a photo without a hat so she could see your hair! She didn't get to see you until you were 2 years old. I wish she could have been there when you were born.

It was a struggle during those years. I worked crazy shifts in the Air Force and didn't get to spend as much time with you as I wished. I'd work four 3-11 shifts, have 24 hours off, work four 11 pm to 7 am shifts, have 24 hours off, work four 7 am to 3 pm shifts and then have 96 hours off. Sounds like it would be nice having different times of the day off but it really wears you out. I was so tired while I was in England. The shift work and the gray skies made it a challenge. I'd go for days without seeing the sun, especially during the winter.

In the winter in England, the sun would set at 4 or 4:30 and if you are at work until 3:30 in a building with no windows, you don't really get to see the sun. And since it rains so much in England even if you are off during the day you may not see the sun. Maybe living in England for the first 2 years of your life is the reason you like rainy days.


But I'd really like to go back for a visit. If they had more sun, I'd enjoy living there. I was cold for the three years we lived there. But like I said, I'd really love to go back for a visit. I'd like to go with you and show you the places we lived, the places we visited, the places of your infancy.

Going back now, I can do the things we couldn't do when we lived there. We were so poor. Military folks don't make much money and back then was no different. Trying to support a family of 3 on my Air Force salary was a struggle. In true military fashion, the lower ranking folks weren't allowed to live on the base. So we had to live off base on the economy and with an exchange rate of over $2 a pound, it was very difficult.

Your father and I got married so young, too young. Your father and I had been dating for a couple of months when I decided that I really didn't want to date him any longer. When I tried to end the relationship, those around us said I was being mean. Of all things, I didn't want to be considered mean. So, instead we got married. I was under the false impression that once we got married, it would be picket fences and roses. In 1981, I still thought of marriage as a fairy tale.

Your father is a nice person and I won't say anything about him that isn't true. I'm not passing judgment, just telling it how it was. We both were too young to be married. Then after your dad was forced out of the Air Force, it made things extremely difficult. In England he couldn't work off base and the only jobs on base were low paying. Most military spouses are women and even more so back then.

We both made mistakes. He often wasn't there when I needed him. The first Christmas after you were born, he left me at home with you and went to the base with his friends. I had yet to learn to stand up for myself and say what I felt. I wanted him to stay home with me and you. I should have told him that but I felt like he shouldn't have even considered going. I think that's when my dislike of Christmas began.

It must have been right after that Christmas that you spoke your first word. You were in your walker (back then walkers weren't considered bad) and you rushed over to me and said "Mama." I was the happiest person alive at that moment and I can still see and hear it even today. You were wearing a yellow jumpsuit.

One of the hardest things was trying to take care of you after working the night shift. Your dad would leave you with me during the day while he went to work or wherever. When you were really young, you stayed in your crib and it was okay. But once you started walking (9 months! You did everything early!) it was tough.
Once I woke up to see you perched on the window ledge. We were upstairs in the bedroom and you managed to open the window (it was the kind with a crank) and climb up in it. You were probably around twelve months at the time. After that, I would stay downstairs with you. One of the scariest moments of my life.

We lived in three different houses while in England. No one wanted to renew our lease. I can't blame them. If I was the landlord of your dad and I back then, I wouldn't have renewed either. The house was a mess, the yard was never tended, and we couldn't manage to pay the rent on time.

So in retrospect, living in England was one of the best times of my life and also one of the darkest, literally and figuratively. Going back would allow me to make new memories with you and allow me to visit England properly.

I didn't intend for this to be such a depressing letter but somehow that's what turned up in my memory. We can't change the past but we shouldn't forget it either. I wish I had been in the position to give you a childhood with white picket fences and tree-lined streets. But military families don't always have those options. And then as a single parent of three boys, I was lucky if we had a place to sleep. While you three boys were growing up, I was doing the same.

Next week I'll tell you happier stories.

Love, Mom