Dear Michael,
You were 2 1/2 when we moved to San Antonio. Not my first choice for places to be stationed but I was glad to be back in the States. I was cold for the three years we were in England. The dampness was more than I could handle. I do like England and want to visit but I need sunshine. We did get lots of sun in San Antonio. And heat...oh the heat. We went from 80 degrees being a heatwave in England (literally...London hit 80 for a few days straight one summer and it was a headline in the Times) to 100 degrees in April.
Patrick was born a few months after we arrived in Texas. That April was so hot. I had to readjust to being in the heat. But I didn't mind it. I was glad to be warm! I think after Patrick was born, you got a bit lost in the shuffle. I wish I'd paid more attention to you so you didn't feel left out. I wonder now how you felt after Patrick arrived.
And when Patrick started having trouble gaining weight and he had to have casts on his feet and legs, there was so much focus on him. I wonder if even though your Dad was at home with you, how much attention he paid to you. Honestly, I just don't know. I was the one taking Patrick to the doctor, staying in the hospital with him, and working.
There was so much focus on Patrick. Did you feel neglected? I often wonder about that. The first year of Patrick's life is a blur for me. Maybe you were young enough that you don't remember either.
Then when Joshua came along and also had problems, I imagine you felt extremely left out. Both Patrick and Joshua had special needs and received a lot of attention. Plus, they are closer in age than you are to them. They went to CAMP together, often went to the doctor together and all the while you were fine. You didn't need "special attention." While I can't change the past, I do think back and wonder if I made sure you weren't left out.
But I do remember fun times. More so when Patrick and Joshua were older. We'd be in the car and play the alphabet game. You always won I seem to recall. Eagle eyes and quick brain.
Those trips we took up to your Dad's were some of the best times. We'd leave early in the morning while it was not quite light yet. We had lots of snacks for the road. I'd usually pack a lunch that we'd eat somewhere along the road. We'd always stop at that cheesy place, "South of the Border." The signs were the best part. "You're always a wiener at South of the Border", "I never sausage a place", X number of miles to South of the Border.
You always sat in the front. One benefit of being the oldest. I remember once when we still lived in Texas and took a driving trip to Georgia. You sat in the back that time so you could take care of Joshua, who was still in a car seat. Such a big boy and great helper. On the way back we stopped at the beach in Mississippi or Louisiana. Short visit but fun.
I remember the first time you went to stay with your Dad after he and I split up. I cried and cried. That was the first time I'd been away from you other than when I was in the hospital with Patrick and Joshua. Remembering the car driving away with you in it still makes me teary.
You will always be my first born. We had our time with just the two of us. I remember when you were about one and we'd sit in the floor and read books. You could say your ABC's when you were about one. So bright. We'd go outside and play in the yard or go to the market. Mostly we'd stay at home and just be together. My baby boy.
When you went to stay with your Dad for good, I lost something precious. I missed you so much and wanted so much for you to come back to live with me. But I did what I thought was best for you. I still miss you so much that it hurts.
Love,
Mom
